Persona

I can't sleep and I can't wait until September to write my next post. Been burning with a desire to write nowadays. I am going to write something on an aspect of me which I mentioned a few times before but this time, I think I understand that side of me better with the help of the video below:

After watching it the first time, it's like getting slapped in the face and then only come into realisation that, what he is talking about is actually a big part of what and who I am. He talked about 'perfect people' and started off by saying who people under this category showcase their love which I kinda disagree as I do not think I am like that :P. Moving on..

Next, he touched on the point of the misconception between a control freak and a perfect person. I find some relevance in here as well, because looking back, I have been very particular with how certain things should be, be it with my friends or sometimes with my family or just how I arrange my laundry. Some may have cursed within themselves at me for being such a hard head or control freak but truth is, I am not and never even had the intention of being controlling, a better term used by the speaker was that people like me are always on the hunt of getting things 'right', but getting things right is very subjective and our 'right' may not be your 'right', so there you go.

The speaker then pointed out with an example of the furniture on the Titanic which I find a bit exaggerating but still funny nonetheless, an example of me being in such state would be when I am driving. I am nutter when it comes to the law, if I am given an option, I prefer not to make an illegal U-Turn and make an extra 5 minutes drive to make a legal one, call me dumb but that's how I am...and I will wait at traffic lights during the early hours of the day even when they are no one around...I do not stick to a certain manual nor do I have a religion, I just mainly stick to my principles as they give me a certain closure..which brings us to the next point.

Sensitivity, it is what really set us apart from being a total control maniac. After watching the video, I was able to answer some of the question that even I ask myself at times. This may drag on a while..

I have always see myself as an emotional guy, but now I find a better word for that, which is sensitive. I feel on a level, at times too strong for my own good. Tell me a thing once, if it strikes me hard enough, I will remember the excruciating detail of it until the day I die. Simple example? If you have ever been a passenger when I drive, you would realise that I will have some troubles determining whether or not I have lock the door of the car. Why is this? Because I forgot it once, just once, and my brother reminded me the next morning that the car was in the porch, unlocked. Just that once, even I am tired with myself at times that I have to check for numerous times to ensure that the car door is locked. Even with it lock right in front of my eyes, at times I would still question myself just to be sure of the already certain fact..

"What they want is people to be sensitive to their feelings'', is what he said and is what I would agree. Based on this sentence alone, memories flashed before me and now I see them from a differ perspective that helps me understand myself better.

I never seen it this way but for most of the things I have done for the people around me, especially for my friends is that I believe in karma and I hope that I can be treat the same as how I treat them..However, that is not to be most of the time, as I put my friends before me and without questions, should they need my help I will try to help. Why? I called myself an idiot many times before this, asking why am I constantly willing to help when they most probably would not be around should I am in need to help or just a simple companionship.

Another example would be why my primary persona is a quiet, shy and soft-spoken type of guy? In my primary school years, my mom always said that I resembles a tiger at home as I was loud and naughty but at school, I resembles a sick kitten instead. Many times have I tried to speak up, and many times I was either ignored or laughed at as kids can be quiet mean without them actually knowing it. I had trouble understanding my emotions but now I guess I was hurt back then. I think since then, I have been more of a listener rather than a speaker and only those whom I grew up with during my teenage years would really know the real me looks and acts =).

Sticking to my primary school years, although this is not related with the mentioned topic but it can help you to see how I function, the incident that I can remember was during an English class, if I may say this, I was a little better in the language as compared to my peers when I was young and the teacher knew me quite well. It was during one of those spelling exercises done in class, it was one of those words in plural where a 'Y' is replaced with an 'ies' sort of word like 'fly - flies'. I think I made a simple but stupid error of spelling it as 'flys' and as the teacher circled the class, she noticed what I wrote and gave me a hint that I made a mistake, try as I may but I just could not spot it. After realising that I did not manage to correct myself, the teacher asked the whole class to start spelling the word out, and when the first alphabet was spelled out only I realised my mistake but I think that further infuriated her and she lost it a little, scolded me a little and called me stupid with her index finger pointing at me. I was stunned and ashamed but all I did was just to change the word. The lesson after was history and was taught by the teacher in charged of my class, I do not know how but a classmate of mine actually told her what happened and she came over to me, I think my expression was so pitiful that she started to ask was I alright, but then, without a word, I cried and I was around 10 or 11 that year. It's just me, the more people cared about me, the more vulnerable I get.

I do not think many would realise this but I am not fond of insects, creepy crawlies or any sort of surprises by them. Why? I guess I must have upset something with my birth given how much I went through before the age of 7...hehe, I was hit in the eye my a flying beetle when I was playing with my neighbour. And why I dislike cats so much is that I was bit, jumped on plus being ticklish did not help as well XD.

But as I get older, I realise I do not take rejections, set backs or stuff along those lines very well. When rejected or facing set backs, I blame myself first before anything for not being up to par. Which is why I can never see myself and to approach a stranger and start talking, more so if the person is a girl. I have always envy those people who can just go up to anybody and get a friendly reception and I still envy them today...

This post is named persona because I recently just changed my profile information. A simple sentence that describes me quite well but to really know my true natural side is when I am doing something I am passionate about but the easiest to judge is when I am gaming or playing sports. It's not that I play every time to win but it is more to doing the best I can. When playing FIFA with my friends, miss a goal I'll go berserk :P. During futsal, I get loud and got commented once that they never realised I could shout that loud so I guess it must have been loud XD.

Glad to have came across this video, at least I have some part of myself figured out =)